So I'm an adult. But not like, an adult adult.
I recently saw a TikTok of a guy talking about this concept. A lot of us 30-something millennials feel like this. Our 30's are not our parent's 30's. And there are many reasons for this. We were raised differently, for one thing. We grew up with the internet and the transition into social media. We are old enough to remember 911 and the effect it had on America. We were told we had to go to college but then the world said 'no jobs without experience'. We entered the job market just as it crashed and burned. We're often accused of being dreamers who just want a handout even though we've been in the workforce for 15-20 years at this point. So, yeah, it's not easy. But I suppose every generation suffers somehow.
Millennial criticism aside, I'm having my own personal crisis. It has been a frustrating year and, too, full of things I should probably be more grateful for. But what is this blog for, if not complaining?
Let's talk about one of the major thorns in my side, cabinets.
Flash back to July 2024. I decided that I was finally ready to get new kitchen cabinets. I started looking into options and decided to call a friend of my dad's who builds cabinets. He had actually built my parent's cabinets 30 years ago and does good work. So I call and set up a meeting with him and his wife. We meet and discuss what I am thinking. (I used the Ikea kitchen builder to make a mockup so they could get the full picture of what was happening in my brain.)
Aside: Around the same time I was also planning a makeover of my entire living room (due in part to a water leak that required new sheetrock be installed on one wall), dining room, & kitchen, including painting. I built a mood board and everything! Back to this later.
After our initial meeting, I went on vacation. They were supposed to get me a quote, and I finally received their email in August. At this point, I knew the cost and began strategizing on how to get the money I needed. I decided that I would take out a loan (or rather, take out an additional loan) and use that money to pay off my current loan, credit card and have enough for the new cabinets. (Also note, my parents did give me money for Christmas that year that I also put aside for the cabinets.)
Then, a couple of things happened. Dragon Con came late August/September (where the attitude is 'here, take my money'), and October was nuts (my car was hit- more on that later, and my grandma had a stroke - she's mostly okay now, but it was a rough month). When November rolled around, I finally shifted focus back to the cabinets. I reached back out and they came by for another meeting. We finalized some details and I asked them if the cabinets would be installed before the holidays. They told me it could be before Christmas but, if not, it would be at the first of the year.
Over the next few weeks, I figured out a lot of the details and proceeded to make quite a few purchases. I bought a dishwasher, a new sink and faucet, a vent hood, drawer organizers and hardware for the cabinets. I picked the color and started checking into my options for new countertops.
November also marked the month of makeover. Like I mentioned before, I had planned to work on the entire space. I bought paint and painted the entire big room, including the staircase (I risked my life doing that, let me tell you). I gave my old bookshelves to a friend, installed new wall shelves, and re-organized my books. I made plans to move my grandma's piano in from storage.
And this is where things get squirrely.
I decided, in my makeover educed drunken state, that I would go ahead and remove all of my old kitchen cabinets so that I could paint the kitchen. After all, they said the cabinets would be installed by January. In my delulu mind, everything would probably be complete in time for me to put out Christmas decorations.....
My dad and I pulled out all of the upper cabinets and the pantry, leaving only the lower cabinet under the kitchen sink and the standalone lower cabinet next to the stove. I emptied every cabinet and placed everything on and around my dining room table. I made a disastrous mess, but it was okay! It wouldn't be there long. I finished painting and then...
December faded into January, February, March, April, May, June, July, August. And guess the hell what? I still do not have new kitchen cabinets.
I cannot begin to express the frustration I have at not only them, but myself. I have not had kitchen cabinets for 8 months (and counting), my dining room is still a mess and now I've had to spend some of my cabinet money on my car (another pain point). If I could go back in time to pre-Thanksgiving me, I would tell her 'no ma'am, do not tear those cabinets down for you will never get new ones'.
I won't bore you with all of the reasons I have been given, but it sums up to 'you're at the bottom of the priority list'. I've reached the point too where I feel like I can't afford the cabinets I want and am probably going to have to settle for basic bitch cabinets like I had before.
Now let us discuss my car. As previously stated, my car was hit, sideswiped actually, back in October. I had to pay my $500 deductible to get it fixed (which took three weeks) even though the accident was not my fault. (I didn't get the money back until March.) During this three weeks, I had to borrow my grandma's old Lincoln town car (which felt like driving a submarine after driving a Fusion for so long) with no air conditioning because the lady's insurance company wouldn't pay for me a rental car and I didn't have rental coverage on my policy.
But now the car trouble is behind us! Isn't it?
In December, as I am driving home from work, a deer runs directly into the side of my car (in the exact spot the lady hit me) and does worse damage than before. I, once again, have to pay my deductible but this time I'm not getting it back (apparently deer are not insured, inconsiderate). And, once again, I do not have a car for three weeks. And if you are asking yourself, 'well didn't you add the rental coverage to your policy?', hush.
But that will be all for car trouble, right? RIGHT?
In February, my transmission goes out. I have, by this point, added rental coverage. Alas, mechanical issues to do not qualify. This time, I have to pay $5,000 to get my car fixed. And here we reach the second biggest regret of this past year (actually, this is probably the biggest just the second to happen).
At the time, I didn't have any plans to get a new car. I had my car paid off and hadn't had any problems with it (prior to October). So I delved into my cabinet funds and got the transmission fixed. After, ONCE AGAIN, not having a car for three weeks, I get it back only to discover it it making weird noises. The transmission people say it is something else.
And I may could have fought them on it or got a second opinion but, by now, I had had enough and didn't want to put any more money into the car. I considered my options, car shopped and made a decision. In May, I purchased a new car and traded in my old car. I got $2,000 for the trade-in, putting me in the hole for $3,000. I am glad I got the new car, aside from the now $800 car payment (sad), but I wish I had just traded in my car with the faulty transmission and took what they gave me. Hindsight and all that.
So here I sit, in August, not really knowing what my next steps should be. Should I just forget the kitchen cabinets for now and try to put more money back? I wanted to re-do my floors, but that seems like a bad idea until the cabinets are done. And then there's the part of me that says I should move out of my parent's basement and find my own place. The problem with that of course being the fact that everything is incredibly expensive right now and I don't have the money to live alone. And I really don't want a roommate.
I can't help but feel like a child. I'm not-so-slowly approaching 40, I live at home, I'm not married, I have no kids, no prospects on the horizon. Is the reason I don't feel like an adult because I'm not independent enough? Though some may deny it, I feel like people have always seen me more as a sidekick than a main character (although my teenage cousin did tell me once that I had main character energy), first to one cousin, then another. I've never really felt like I could stand on my own.
What else is wrong?
I'm having a bit of a crisis of faith. I feel like my values just aren't lining up with the church's in a lot of ways. I can't decide if I am somehow being punished by God, by the world, or by myself.
I think I have become a liberal, which is not a bad thing, but is something a lot of conservative people I know would be aghast to hear. But I also don't think I'm a good one because I don't stand up for things that much. #whiteprivilege
I want to be a good friend, but I feel like I fail a lot. I want to stand up for myself and others, but I often don't because it's easier not to. I may die without ever haven fallen in love, because that it easier too.
I can't seem to lose weight (I've gained 20 pounds and two pants sizes in the past 5 years) even though I go to the gym at least three days a week and don't eat that bad. I've tried counting calories and meal planning, but I suck at it.
One thing that has improved in the last year is my job. I was finally offered a new position (not exactly a promotion though it felt like it). I have my own office now, which may be a small thing but makes me feel more adult than anything else in my life. I had this wild thought that the new job would somehow change the trajectory of my life. It hasn't.
I'm not sure what I think will fix my problems. The scary thing is, the answer is probably me. And she does not run a tight ship.
Or maybe I should just be grateful for what I have and stop whining about it.
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