What am I afraid of?
A few things come to mind when I ask myself this question. Clowns. Porcelain dolls. Falling from high places. Other people falling from high places. Riding with someone else in traffic. Those creepy Asian ghost things from The Grudge.
But if I really think about it, there are two main things that scare me most. (Although I'm creeped out just looking at that picture.)
Number one is confrontation. And that's confrontation of any kind really. I do not like to face someone I've done wrong. I do not like to hurt people's feelings. And I'm not really good at dealing with people who are upset, even my own friends and family. I get very anxious when I am in these situations. Over the years, I'd like to think I've gotten better at facing my problems (and other's problems) but I still run away or avoid them when possible.
I've tried to look back over my childhood and teenage years to determine why exactly I am this way and I can't pinpoint a moment that would explain it. I've always been a bit shy, especially when I was younger, so I suppose it's no surprise that I have a bit of anxiety as an adult. But I don't think I have
social anxiety. I'm fine talking with people. Sometimes I am quiet if I'm around people I don't know well or am surrounded by outgoing extroverts who tend to dominate conversations. But I never feel extremely anxious when forced to talk with strangers. I also don't mind public speaking for the most part, as long as I know what I am talking about. I'm not the best at improvisation.
But conflict? I try to avoid that. Dealing with anything resembling conflict makes me sick to my stomach. This is one reason I hedge on advancement in the workplace. It's not that I would find it difficult to instruct others on what to do, but if they didn't listen? And what if I had to fire someone? I hate even the thought of that. I'm not authoritative and people do tend to run over me a bit, which can be a problem. I'm sure they have classes for this type of thing?
As for the second fear of mine, I have only almost had a panic attack once in my life, and it happened at a Cobra Starship concert. The day started off well. My friend Kayla accidentally won tickets on the radio to go bowling with the band and then attend the concert. She wasn't able to go, so Courtney and I went. In case you've never been bowling with Cobra Starship, it's pretty fun. #TeamNate
After bowling, we headed over to the show and with the added bonus of early entry, we were at the front of the venue, close to the stage and ready to jam out. But then the doors opened and let all of the teenagers in. Only partway through the opening act, I was closer to a bunch of strangers than I ever wanted to be. I was unable to move in any direction. And at first I was fine. We took some photos and tried to enjoy the music. But after a while, I was hot and tired of not being able to move. Not to mention the area we were encased in had begun to turn in a mosh pit-y direction.
So we attempted an escape. But alas, no one else could move either. So I began pushing my way out (I literally shoved one guy so hard). It took longer than I would have liked and people were being super unhelpful and I screamed at them even though they couldn't hear me over the music. By the time I finally freed myself from the crowd I was on the verge of an emotional breakdown.
Needless to say, I have not set foot in such a crowd since.
On a related note, I also have an irrational fear of being trapped in a wall with other people. It's like a recurring nightmare that leaves me feeling short of breath. I saw an episode of Supernatural once where a character was trapped in a wall so that's what I envision. Only, being trapped alone isn't what freaks me out. It's when my brain adds in a whole line of other people who are preventing my escape and who may also trample me whilst trying to get out themselves.
I have, in fact, been trampled before but it was in a cornfield so it doesn't hold the same weight. Beware of haunted cornfields!
So yeah, it's not that I mind crowds and I'm not afraid to be in a small space. It's the idea of being trapped in that space with other people that really scares me. Figure that one out, psych majors.
